Paradox

The quotes in this post are from the book I'm Not Stiller by Max Frisch.

Another note: This class jams so much in 2.5 hours a week... and sometimes I can't wait for it to be over in December. Constantly thinking about this stuff is exhausting.

In life there is always a crazy paradox between life and death. In order to truly live, you have to be open to the idea that some parts of you will die (or need to die) along the way in order for you to truly live. But there will also be parts of you that die that you might need to reclaim along the way.

We all know that one of the Ten Commandments says that thall shalt not kill. What we don't realize is that we (unintentionally) kill all the time. "There are all sorts of ways of murdering a person or at least his soul, and that's something no police in the world can spot... I should like to see the person who cannot be killed by a smile, or by saying nothing... Haven't you ever wondered, my dear Knobel, why so many people are interested in a real murder?... It's quite obvious: because we generally don't see our daily murders. So it's a relief when there's a bang for once, when blood flows, or when someone dies of real poison, not merely of his wife's silence" (Pg. 109).
In who's killing have we played a part in? Have we done this to someone recently? Are we doing it now??? How am I killing the people in my life?

"Anyone who is always seeing himself as a victim, it seems to me, never gets wise to himself, and that's not healthy. Cause and effect are never divided between two people, certainly not between a husband and wife, even though it may sometimes look like it" (Pg. 115).

Cause and effect are never divided between two people... in other words... it is never just one person's fault. What often happens is that one person just sees themselves as the innocent bystander and just reacts to the other person without stepping back to see what they brought to the situation. What have you done to the other person???

You can't try and change anyone. The sooner you accept that the better off you will be, especially in relationships. You can't try to change the other person... but at the same time you can't just let them keep doing the very things that are shooting them in the foot. You each have to work to bring something new to the table! You can't just stay silent. So you have to say BOTH things.... I am attracted to you because of this... but I also see the areas that you need to work on but I accept that you need to work on this yourself. I can be your support but I can't force a change.

Trying to change you for me is murder.

"'Thou shalt not make unto thee any image'. Every image is a sin... When you love someone you leave every possibility open to them, and in spite of all the memories of the past you are ready to be surprised, again and again surprised, at how different they arem how various, not a finished image such as you have made..." (Pg. 130).

This is such a huge temptation to do in any relationship that you have. Friendship, love, family, what have you. Let's take marriage... after you've been married for 30 years you think, oh I know him/her like the back of my hand. That is a dangerous thought. You still need to surprise each other and still need to keep your eyes and mind open to really SEE the other person. Humans are so complex that as the onion (aka us) unravels we see new facets of the person but only if we keep our eyes/mind open. Let others surprise you!!

We have to learn how to die. We need to learn how to venture within ourselves, to illuminate our brokenness that is screwing up our ability to love and we have to fight with ourselves and let those parts of ourself die. The great human challenge is knowing how to die so we can love the people we live with and truly live.

Venturing into ourselves not just about illuminating the bad within us... it also shows us the good within ourselves that we cannot possibly know without venturing. You can't discover yourself truly if you become idle and say that you are always the same. Don't be afraid of the venturing. Surround yourself with support and tread into the unknown.

Live authentically.

The Neurotic Lock

I'm taking a course called the Human Challenge this semester and it is really really interesting and cool and also exhausting. It is making me examine everything in my life closer and making me realize things about myself that suck... and also things that are good. What is to come is nothing more than parts of my scribbled notes and a couple of my own add-ins. I'm no psych major (or minor), just another person in the world trying to figure it out.

The neurotic lock... already googled it and nothing popped up. Maybe my professor (a former psychologist) made it up? It basically is that I'm attracted to the something incomplete in YOU and I think I can fix it. It's one of the reasons why there are so many crazy, messed up relationships.

Stiller (in the novel Stiller) comes back to try and fix his marriage again... but he isn't able to break free of what EVERYONE ELSE in his OLD life thinks. This often happens in our lives. We are constantly evolving and learning, but sometimes people don't want to see that we've changed. They think they know us better than we know ourselves. We can either continue to be who we really are or we can slip back into the role of the person that they think they know and lose ourselves completely.

In relationships we often try to become what we think the other person wants. We want so hard to fill that void in them... but we CAN'T. We cannot fix a hole in someone else unless we were the ones to make the hole. We also try to make other people fit our perfect wish list of a person. In essence, we are looking for a man or woman who never existed! We take someone and subtley try to mold them into something different and completely miss who they really are!

We don't hear this in the marriage vows often, but a relationship is where you discover your weirdness and your brokenness. Brokenness you didn't even know you or the other person had. Marriage is a vow where you promise to stick with the other person even though you don't know exactly what that brokenness will turn out to be. But you say you will be there for the suffering and the hurting and the healing and fixing. But not many people associate marriage vows with that. They enter in to marriage, find the other person's holes, realize that they can't fix them and be the other person's savior and they say... "I'M OUT. We must not really be soul mates." But that isn't true. You're not supposed to be their savior. You're not supposed to be able to fix everything... you CAN'T. Your role is to support and encourage their growth... and to be patient when they are slow to grow.

We are constantly evolving. What if we never learned and changed from our life experiences? What if we didn't learn and grow from our old relationships? We would just go out and do the same thing with someone else.

We all have our wishlist... our list of what the perrrrfect man/woman for me will be. Take a good look at your wishlist. How long is it? In reality... it's probably too long. What REALLY matters? Surprisingly, there are only a few things that we really really need. You want your S.O. to be interested in most of the things you are? Well, they probably won't be. That's okay. You want your man to be your "spiritual leader"? That sounds fine and dandy... but is it a necessity? We need to loosen up our list. Ultimately... it gets shorter and shorter. And do you know what happens when we really prune our list? (Yes the pruning will be painful, get over it). When we REALLY prune our list we become more gracious and accepting of the other person.

My friend Janae hit the nail on the head in a recent chat when she said, "That's the beauty of life and marriage. I mean you're always going to be dealing with issues inside yourself. You're always going to be growing and changing and becoming a better you and the person you're married to will help you with that however they cannot be upset because you're changing but encourage the growth. Life is all about changing and learning and growing. It doesnt mean you stop when you get married."

2/3

Summer is about 2/3 of the way over. Holy moly. It's going by fast and yet it still feels like I have eternity left of summer (I wish). The only thing that I wish would hurry up right now is summer school. Only two weeks left of nonstop torture 8am-2pm M-Th. Midterms were today... only 7 days left!! YES!!!!!

More to come later (and I really mean it this time).

Well...

I'm sick. But slowly getting better.

This summer has been awesome so far. Dare I say the best summer yet?

Let the madness continue.

Cinnamon & Sugar Pita Chips

It is currently Sunday night. The time is 11:02 pm. In approximately 9 hours my finals will begin. Finals schedule is as follows:

MONDAY, MAY 10TH
0800-1000 - Nursing310 - Pediatric Nursing
1030-1230 - Bible102 - New Testament

TUESDAY, MAY 11TH
0800-1000 - Nursing330 - OB/GYN

WEDNESDAY, MAY 12TH
1300-1500 - Sociology360 - Race & Ethnicity

Oh boy. Then on Wednesday/Thursday I will clean, patch holes, and do some minor painting in the apartment and then GO HOME!!!!! I literally cannot wait to be home. I'm going to miss school and some of the people here but it's time for summer. It's time to relax. It's time for summer school and summer jobs and summer lovin'.

In other news, I have been (voluntarily) unable to access my facebook account. And I really really really want to go on facebook. I can't tell if I want to go on just to see what everyone is up to or if I just want to log on to put off studying for just a little while longer.

Good luck to everyone on their finals quest!!!!!!

Grandma Rose

Hey all... I'm sure if you're one of the people reading this I have already texted you with some bad news about my "Grandma" Rose and asked for your prayers but it definitely warrants a blog post.

So Rose isn't actually my Grandma. Rose is my mom's best friend's mom... that might be a little confusing but basically that whole family (including Rose) has known me since I was born. Rose has suffered a lot of health problems including diabetes, breast cancer, vision problems, etc. Recently she hasn't been in the best of health (actually horrible health) so this episode isn't really a surprise but it stinks all the same. This morning Jill (Rose's daughter) found Rose on the floor when she went in to bring Rose her morning coffee. The ambulance was called and the doctors found that Rose had suffered a stroke and had intracranial bleeding. She is currently in the ICU at St. Mary's Hospital and it really doesn't look good. The doctors have told the family to start saying their goodbyes.

I'm not asking for a miracle healing here. Just your prayers for Rose and everyone who loves her.

"I will swat the flies..... that are your BS"

"There comes a point in your life when you get tired of fixing everything and trying to make everyone happy. When you finally decide to quit, it's NOT giving up. It's realizing you don't need certain people and the bullshit they bring in to your life."

Well hello there Grey's Anatomy quote. It's literally perfect for describing my rooming situation. As of May 12th I am FREEEEEE!

Here comes another list because my brain is too pooped to do anything else:

1. Only 30 more days of school (including weekends and finals). Not that I'm counting or anything.
2. I have two 10+ page papers (nursing and sociology), a 3 page bible paper, 8 chapters of reading, a case study to prepare and present, one write-up, one grad check appointment, and one leadership paper to do. All due on or before Monday. FML.
3. I have eaten more candy in the past 3 days than should be legally allowed.
4. This really should be number one... but I miss David. All. the. freaking. time.
5. Can you get senioritis when you're a junior? Because my mind is completely beyond focusing and if you read #2 above you can see why that is a BIG problem.
6. I am stressing about graduating on time. However, that is not in my hands anymore.
7. What? Shiny?
8. God is good. All the time.

What can I do about all of this RIGHT NOW at this moment? Put my head down and work hard. Pray. Don't forget to schedule in fun. Get through the last THIRTY days of escuela. And remember, it will all be just fine in the end.

Carry Out

This semester was officially at its halfway point last Tuesday. And, as a graduating senior told me today, there are 36 school days left. Holy moly guacamole!!!! One part of me feels like it was just yesterday that I became a junior and now I'm THIS CLOSE to becoming a senior. It's mind blowing.

I don't know what is happening to my brain but it is almost impossible for me to complete a simple task anymore. I'm having to literally force myself to do work. It's worse than before. I'm doing papers the night before. Putting off doing clinical paperwork to do... nothing. Starting my studying the night before a test. (Okay, fine. That one isn't any different.) Last night studying was the worst. I either need to have a dance party every half hour to burn away some energy so I can sit still or I need to listen to music or read quotes while I study. Neither method is what you could call time efficient.

However there is a happy note to this post. I'm finally starting to see the beauty of Point Loma again. You'd think it would be pretty hard to miss but I was missing it. Living off campus it's easy to disconnect from campus. It's actually incredibly easy. But last Tuesday my intramural team and I watched the sun set and the incredible beauty that I'm around almost every day suddenly struck me again. Yeaaah baby.

My advising appointment is on Friday morning. I have to take two full semesters next year and at least one summer school class to graduate on time. Please pray that my schedule will work out and I can graduate on time. :)

This one definitely made me miss volleyball.

Sure theres the wind sprints, suicides, mile runs, max-out days, and months of conditioning that make us wonder why we, as athletes, keep giving 110 percent day in and day out. But then we give the simple answer that it's for the love of the game. And that we live for the practices, parties, pain, cheers, long bus rides, hotel stays, countless pairs of different types of shoes, water, Gatorade, and coaches you hate but appreciate. It's those hours where your team becomes your family, of pushing your body to the limit, and blasting your ipod so that you can't hear yourself breathing that we'll remember and cherish forever.
-Unknown

List it baby, list it.

I only had a couple of minutes for an update... so a random list is below!

Waiting to go to play some volleyball (YES!).

It feels like Thursday night when it's only Tuesday night.

Lately my napping has been out of control (no big surprise).

My boyfriend can kick your boyfriend's ass. (Kidding). But he's the absolute best and I thank God every day.

My PE class has a couple of douchebags that I want to slap silly.

I thought dealing with women who are preggers and babies was going to be horrible but it's actually really fun.

Matt Nathanson and The Real Matt Jones. Good music.

My race and ethnicity class is a joke (unfortunately).

New Bible study started this semester = awesome sauce.

Roommate situation = definitely NOT awesome sauce.

Family is doing great... I miss them.

Overall Jillian rating: HAPPY.

--EDIT--

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
-John 16:33

BIB102 - Mk 5-8

I'm in New Testament this semester. It's a G.E. class, the class is about 90% freshmen, and the professor is very VERY structured... but I love it. Minus the freshmen? Yes. Only kidding. We're going through the book of Mark right now and I decided to post some of what we are reading and my thoughts (mainly questions here).

Last night I read Mark 5-8 (NIV).

Mark 6:4-6 -- Jesus said to them, "Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet without honor." He could not do any miracles there, except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. And he was amazed at their lack of faith.

Why would Jesus be without honor in His hometown? Why in this one area did no one believe? It can't be just coincidence. My guess is that the people who lived there still saw Jesus as the little boy he once was. Could they not reconcile the little toddler they remembered with the man (healer, prophet, "Son of Man") that now stood before them?

Mark 6:14-29. I'm not going to post the passages just because they are long but this is where Herod has John the Baptist beheaded. Was anyone else confused by the placement of this story? It seems so random and like it was just tossed in the mix. What's the significance here?

Mark 7:6-8 -- He replied, "Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites; as it is written:
" 'These people honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me.
They worship me in vain;
their teachings are but rules taught by men.' You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to the traditions of men."

BAM! Jesus completely destroys the Pharisees (in a loving way? :). This is such a great passage and where I think we all need to be SO careful. It's so easy to fall into a pattern of worship that feels comfortable and completely leave out hearts out of the whole process.

Mark 7:14-23 -- Again Jesus called the crowd to him and said, "Listen to me, everyone, and understand this. Nothing outside a man can make him 'unclean' by going into him. Rather, it is what comes out of a man that makes him 'unclean.' "

After he had left the crowd and entered the house, his disciples asked him about this parable. "Are you so dull?" he asked. "Don't you see that nothing that enters a man from the outside can make him 'unclean'? For it doesn't go into his heart but into his stomach, and then out of his body." (In saying this, Jesus declared all foods "clean.")

He went on: "What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean.' "

This must have been a complete SHOCKER to the Jews in that day. There are whole chapters in the Old Testament that are dedicated to ritual food preparation to make it "clean"... and here Jesus seems to say to forget about them. But don't the Jewish people still have foods that are considered to be "unclean" like pork? Or is that something different?


There are a lot more questions here than anything... but that's what I've been thinking about for the past couple of days. Let me know your thoughts. :)

2010 Baby... 2010

The new year always comes with a new set of expectations. People thinking the year is going to be great, people thinking the year is going to suck, and people who think the world will end within the year so who really cares about anything.

Oh, what are my expectations you ask? Such a good question my cricket. My expectations for the year 2010 (said twenty-ten, thank you very much)... my expectations are high. I know there will be rough patches and times where it will feel like it would be impossible to get up and try again... but I will. And so will you.

There were no specific new year resolutions made for me this year. But here's what I've been doing and what I'd like to try.

1. As most of you know, I bought a guitar. Yep, it's lovely, blah blah blah. Too bad it hasn't had a good tune played on it yet! Teaching yourself the guitar is harder than I thought. Fortunately a good music teacher for the summer has been found (only $20 for a 30 minute lesson).
2. My longly-lusted-after plan of traveling around Holland/Europe this summer is unfortunately impossible. I need to take some summer school classes so senior year can be as chill as possible. However I still started learning how to speak Dutch. It's slow going but even the slow learning I'm doing gives me satisfaction that Spanish never could have given.
3. More activity. See the next bullet. This Christmas break wasn't horrible as far as activity goes.
4. What I've been doing/would like to do more of are (in no specific order)
- Raquetball (high energy activity... yes please!)
- Kickboxing (again... high energy plus music plus feeling like a badass. It's hard to resist)
- Trampoline jumping (no explanation needed0
- Surfing (yes, early in the morning. or early morning beach runs. The peacefulness/beauty is too much to pass up)
- Basketball (Good time, competition, talking about life, and making someone my HO, HOR, or HORS? I'm all for that action)
- Beach volleyball (It's volleyball)
- Dancing (real dancing, so I can learn how to dance like a black person)
5. Learn and memorize at least 10 "yo momma" jokes to be pulled out at random (but awesome) times.
6. Not just READING my Bible but reading for understanding. Reading for the hidden meaning, reading for a purpose, reading to TRY and understand God better, reading to form my own ideas. It's all deadly in a good way.
7. Eating better, blah blah blah. Here's the real plan: don't buy food that is CRAP for your body. Will I ever give up chocolate? That's a silly question. NO. But eating it less is alllllll good baby.
8. Keep up involvement with my friends’ lives. This semester is going to be much busier than last semester and it’s going to be very easy to not hang out with people because I have other things to do. Yes, I will have certain school obligations but good organization is key to make sure everything stays under control so I CAN hang out. Sophomore year will NOT be repeated.
There's a lot more. But this post is long enough already.

Let me just say... this semester is going to be busy. And fun. And hard (that’s what she said). And the best one ever.

Break

It's finally time to dust the cobwebs off this blog, kick start the engine, and get it crankin' again.
A nice overview:
School
- Last semester was hands down the best semester I have had yet. There were still rough patches and areas that I wasn't happy with, but for the most part it was great. And that will continue this semester.
- The more time I spend in the ICU the more I love it and my clinical instructor/professor said I had all the qualities of an ICU nurse. However my specialty is still undecided.
- Can anyone say first semester of all A's??!?!?!?!?!

Friends
- Since volleyball wasn't consuming my life like it had for the first two years, finally some new friends came along.
- Those friends mentioned previously ^ are bomb-diggity, a ton of fun to hang out with, and excellent listeners/advice-givers, shoulders to cry on, etc.
- Game/movie nights/hang out times during Christmas break = SOOOOO GOOOOOOD.
- David... soooooooooo good :) I was honestly never into the mushy-gushy oh-my-boyfriend-is-so-amazing crap (and I'm apologizing now)... but he is amazing. You don't want to hear me gush. Trust me.
- One of my roommates (that I was close to) is going to Malta for spring semester, which of course meant a teary goodbye at the airport.
- There were definitely some roommate issues last semester and I'm pretty sure they will continue this semester. PLEASE pray for patient and wisdom for my house (in SD). We will need lots of help.

Family
- Some of you may or may not know that Liv has been having a lot of health/mental issues. She's been seeing a psychiatrist and doctors. She has a lot of OCD tendencies, separation issues, and weird health quirks (like a dry cough every 20 seconds that she can't seem to control, sore rib, stomach pains...). As of now it looks like her left sinus is completely blocked, which could explain many of her symptoms. The OCD stuff... my Mom had the same thing as a kid so we're just praying that she grows out of it. Prayers for Liv would be LOVELY!
- Praise the Lord! My mom just went through ACL surgery to repair a completely torn ACL and to repair both of her meniscus (menisci?). She's currently sitting in the recliner across from me.
- My Dad's business did well this past year. YAY!!!!

Jesus (pronounced Heh-Sooz, if that makes sense)
- I took a class this semester called Life of Holiness with Dr. Lodahl. It was one of the best classes I have taken at Point Loma. There was reading, quizzes, papers, and tests... but this class was mainly discussion. And discussion = AWESOME sauce. And this class wasn't afraid to talk about "taboo" topics and neither was the professor.
- More than ever I am convinced that almost nothing is black and white. There are SO MANY gray areas in this world. And thinking that doesn't make me a weak person.
- This will sound weird... but the Kingdom is here NOW. Which means that NOW is the time to act.

Next semester is coming up on Monday. NOOOOOOOO! Let's hope we survive!

GOOD LUCK!!